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4 posters

    Limericks

    Stardust
    Stardust

    Location : City of Light

    Limericks Empty Limericks

    Post by Stardust Tue 03 Jan 2017, 13:02

    Starting a new Limerick thread since all the previous ones on various forums seem to have disappeared into the internet archives.

    These are not perfect but we do our best, so I'll start the ball rolling.

    - - - - - - - - -

     
    There was a young lady from Brent

    who all of her savings had spent

    on outings and booze

    and games bound to loose

    now the silly girl can’t pay her rent.

     
    - - - - - - - - -

    Miss Gwendoline sat in her bower

    Until it was half past the hour

    She smoked thin Russian cigs

    Which caught fire like twigs

    She was saved by a lucky rain shower.
    Feather
    Feather

    Location : Scotland

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Feather Tue 03 Jan 2017, 14:47

    Frankie was after some fun
    Down the slippery path he did run
    But his feet let him down
    And he felt like a clown
    When he touched down on ice with his bum.
    Stardust
    Stardust

    Location : City of Light

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Stardust Tue 03 Jan 2017, 15:28

    An old gentleman, name of Joe
    with painful gout in his big toe
    was prouncing around
    and fell on the ground
    lost his toe, but the gout's gone you know.
    Feather
    Feather

    Location : Scotland

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Feather Tue 03 Jan 2017, 16:00

    She was carrying a tray from the room
    With no feeling of impending doom
    But with the dog in the way
    She started to sway
    And was flat on the floor pretty soon.

    This was how I cracked my ankle bone last year.
    Stardust
    Stardust

    Location : City of Light

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Stardust Tue 03 Jan 2017, 16:10

    Oh, Feather, that must have been painful for you and Chica. Ouch!

    A builder who ran out of bricks
    constructed a house with just sticks
    then glued them together
    to withstand the weather
    but it's just fit for hens and their chicks.
    Feather
    Feather

    Location : Scotland

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Feather Tue 03 Jan 2017, 22:01

    Dot loved reading mystery tales
    Full of thunder and lightning and gales
    Till one that she read
    Sent her right off her head
    Now she's constantly way off the rails.
    Stardust
    Stardust

    Location : City of Light

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Stardust Wed 04 Jan 2017, 06:54

    A singer who drank too much wine
    and got lyrics wrong all the time,
    was whistled and booed,
    hissed, jostled and shooed,
    cos he never remembered a line.
    Feather
    Feather

    Location : Scotland

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Feather Wed 04 Jan 2017, 09:41

    An astronaut known as Fred
    Wanted to gain space cred
    So he took a short trip
    Outside the spaceship
    Now he's hanging to life by a thread.
    Stardust
    Stardust

    Location : City of Light

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Stardust Wed 04 Jan 2017, 09:47

    cheesy 

    A silly young man from New York
    unhappily sat on a fork,
    he jumped up with a start,
    his bum really did smart,
    that silly young man from New York.
    Feather
    Feather

    Location : Scotland

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Feather Wed 04 Jan 2017, 09:56

    When motoring slowly through France
    A beautiful lady called Blanche
    Saw a handsome young man
    In a bright yellow van
    And thought--yes, I would take a chance.
    Stardust
    Stardust

    Location : City of Light

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Stardust Wed 04 Jan 2017, 10:06

    When Penny adopted a dog,
    from her pond he swallowed a frog.
    So instead of a bark,
    all the neighbours would hark
    a strange croaking like fiends in a bog.
    Feather
    Feather

    Location : Scotland

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Feather Wed 04 Jan 2017, 12:48

    When shopping one day in a store
    Bob knew that he couldn't spend more
    So he nicked a blue tie
    And, holding it high,
    He made a quick break for the door.
    A security guard was nearby
    And, giving chase, he did fly
    After the thief
    And to his relief,
    Nabbed the culprit and the blue tie.
    Stardust
    Stardust

    Location : City of Light

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Stardust Wed 04 Jan 2017, 13:20

    A handsome young prince from the North
    fell off the bridge into the Forth.
    He gave out a loud yell,
    then he swam, swam like hell,
    but he's there still, afloat in the Forth.
    Feather
    Feather

    Location : Scotland

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Feather Wed 04 Jan 2017, 14:12

    A cruiser approached him in time
    He was yanked up on board on a line
    Fell asleep for some hours
    Through sunshine and showers
    Now he's in Amsterdam and feels fine.
    Stardust
    Stardust

    Location : City of Light

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Stardust Wed 04 Jan 2017, 14:48

    A beautiful princess from Rye
    could never stop eating plum pie.

    She ate morning, noon, night,

    swallowed bite after bite,
    till she weighed twenty tons bye and bye.
    Feather
    Feather

    Location : Scotland

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Feather Wed 04 Jan 2017, 16:49

    The contortionist puts on a show
    Better than even he knows
    For during his act
    He falls on his back
    With his private parts wrapped round his nose.
    Stardust
    Stardust

    Location : City of Light

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Stardust Wed 04 Jan 2017, 18:45

    Oh dear, how embarassing for him. Embarassed facepalm 

    A carrier pigeon from Rome
    got lost and could not get back home,
    so he settled instead
    where he found a spare bed,
    in a coop by the Rhine in Cologne.
    Feather
    Feather

    Location : Scotland

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Feather Thu 05 Jan 2017, 10:17

    Tom's situation was grim
    He felt totally out on a limb
    He was so bereft
    His sweetheart had left
    So he purchased a puppy called Tim.
    Now Tim was a wonderful gift
    Giving Tom an emotional lift
    They were always together
    Whatever the weather
    And soon Tom was no longer miffed.
    Stardust
    Stardust

    Location : City of Light

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Stardust Thu 05 Jan 2017, 10:53

    There was a bored lad name of Buster,
    too lazy and never could muster
    the energy needed to move
    and not to get stuck in a groove,
    till the flies were beginning to cluster.
    Feather
    Feather

    Location : Scotland

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Feather Thu 05 Jan 2017, 13:57

    They flew and they buzzed round his head
    When he ran or just lay in his bed
    Till one day 'twas found
    As he lay on the ground
    That he wasn't asleep; he was dead!!
    Stardust
    Stardust

    Location : City of Light

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Stardust Thu 05 Jan 2017, 18:40

    surprised

    A witch living inside a wood
    was shunned and was not understood,
    till she saved a lose child
    from the savage and wild.
    So now everyone knows that she's good.

    Feather
    Feather

    Location : Scotland

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Feather Thu 05 Jan 2017, 21:52

    The Headmaster was in a tizz
    Then thought of an end of term quiz
    With girls versus boys
    And prizes of toys
    And for him a glass of bucksfizz.(Sp?)
    Stardust
    Stardust

    Location : City of Light

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Stardust Fri 06 Jan 2017, 05:45

    A stray dog who stopped at my door,
    came in and lay down on the floor.
    I had not the heart
    to say we must part,
    so he's here to stay forevermore.
    Feather
    Feather

    Location : Scotland

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Feather Fri 06 Jan 2017, 09:21

    I feed a nice cat--she's a stray
    I have done for many a day
    But I still can't pet her
    To make her feel better
    If I try, she just runs away.
    Over time she's got a bit tamer
    I've often thought I could name her
    But what'd be the use
    With this wary puss
    She wouldn't respond--can't blame her.
    Stardust
    Stardust

    Location : City of Light

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Stardust Fri 06 Jan 2017, 10:39

    With a stray dog or cat, we can't tell,
    but can guess they were not treated well.
    If they're patiently wooed
    with soft words, daily food,
    they'll adopt you and forget their hell.
    Feather
    Feather

    Location : Scotland

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Feather Fri 06 Jan 2017, 14:20

    The cottage was ever so nice
    So she bought it at a good price
    But lived to regret it
    Would never forget it
    As it was infested with mice.
    Stardust
    Stardust

    Location : City of Light

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Stardust Fri 06 Jan 2017, 15:04

    A baby boy teething all night,
    gave his parents a terrible fright.
    For when two teeth peeked out,
    Mum and Dad gave a shout,
    little Dracula was quite a sight.
    Feather
    Feather

    Location : Scotland

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Feather Fri 06 Jan 2017, 16:39

    My dog--she has just been fed
    Please notice what I have just said
    I'm having my tea
    But she's staring at me
    And refusing to go to her bed.
    Stardust
    Stardust

    Location : City of Light

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Stardust Fri 06 Jan 2017, 18:19

    giggle

    An elegant lady from France,
    no man could pass without a glance.
    Her heels and head high,
    proud as she swept by,
    till she tripped up and ruined the dance.
    Feather
    Feather

    Location : Scotland

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Feather Fri 06 Jan 2017, 21:45

    She tottered away in the huff
    All feathers and flounces and fluff
    She undressed at speed
    Down to the last bead
    And cried for an hour in the buff.
    Stardust
    Stardust

    Location : City of Light

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Stardust Fri 06 Jan 2017, 22:01

    ...
    But Parisian bred from her birth,
    stopped her tears, because she knew her worth.
    Returned to the ball
    and amazed them all,
    thus making them swallow their mirth.
    Feather
    Feather

    Location : Scotland

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Feather Sun 08 Jan 2017, 15:30

    Margaret, a lady from Leeds,
    Was known for her daring deeds
    A pumpkin she ate
    And caused her own fate
    By choking to death on the seeds.
    Stardust
    Stardust

    Location : City of Light

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Stardust Sun 08 Jan 2017, 15:56

    Feather wrote:Margaret, a lady from Leeds,
    Was known for her daring deeds
    A pumpkin she ate
    And caused her own fate
    By choking to death on the seeds.

    But Heimlich was there, Maggie spat
    out pumpkin seeds onto the mat,
    so she regained her life,
    and became Heimlich's wife.
    Now she puts all the seeds in a hat.

    Feather
    Feather

    Location : Scotland

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Feather Mon 09 Jan 2017, 16:21

    On an oil rig late last night
    Ted was stationed in bright moonlight
    But a nut had worked free
    Half way down to the sea
    And Ted had to screw it in tight
    He was lowered right down to the spot
    Now,safe he surely was not
    For the rope was too thin
    So he couldn't begin
    To do the work that he ought.
    He jiggled and twisted and swayed
    Till the rope it loosened and frayed
    Poor Ted hit the sea
    Shouting "God,save me!"
    But nobody noticed he'd prayed.
    Stardust
    Stardust

    Location : City of Light

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Stardust Mon 09 Jan 2017, 21:06

    Feather wrote:On an oil rig late last night
    Ted was stationed in bright moonlight
    But a nut had worked free
    Half way down to the sea
    And Ted had to screw it in tight
    He was lowered right down to the spot
    Now,safe he surely was not
    For the rope was too thin
    So he couldn't begin
    To do the work that he ought.
    He jiggled and twisted and swayed
    Till the rope it loosened and frayed
    Poor Ted hit the sea
    Shouting "God,save me!"
    But nobody noticed he'd prayed.

    Though Ted's shouting fell on deaf ears,
    with drowning the worst of his fears,
    came into his sight
    dolphins in the night
    who saved him. He lived on for years.
    Feather
    Feather

    Location : Scotland

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Feather Mon 09 Jan 2017, 21:35

    I knew you would save him, Stardust.

    Mike was messing around with some ink
    Some of it blue, and some pink
    He wanted to do
    A temporary tattoo
    For when he went out for a drink.
    Stardust
    Stardust

    Location : City of Light

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Stardust Tue 10 Jan 2017, 09:22

    Feather wrote:I knew you would save him, Stardust.

    Mike was messing around with some ink
    Some of it blue, and some pink
    He wanted to do
    A temporary tattoo
    For when he went out for a drink.

    But Mike was allergic and so
    he came out in spots, don't you know.
    Some pink and some blue,
    his face swelled up too.
    Had to give up the pub, to his woe.

    Feather
    Feather

    Location : Scotland

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Feather Thu 12 Jan 2017, 23:01

    The woman just wouldn't give in
    She kept on drinking that gin
    Till the bottle was done
    But the battle she won
    For she found a drop more in a tin
    She thought she had had that already
    When last night she'd had a quick bevvy
    But to her delight
    There was some for tonight
    Now for her warm bed she was ready.
    Stardust
    Stardust

    Location : City of Light

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Stardust Fri 13 Jan 2017, 08:41

    A sprightly girl hailing from Wales
    was battling her way through the sales.
    She ne'er took a rest,

    shoes, clothes, found the best,
    but none the right size - how she wails!
    Feather
    Feather

    Location : Scotland

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Feather Fri 13 Jan 2017, 16:50

    Dan was feeling poorly and sick
    Got a visit from his old pal, Mick
    Who gave him some pills
    Which got rid of his chills
    So now he's in super fine nick.
    Stardust
    Stardust

    Location : City of Light

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Stardust Fri 13 Jan 2017, 18:04

    An arrogant man, name of Tony,
    could speak nothing but pure baloney.
    Along came a copper
    armed with a gob stopper
    and shut up the big-mouthed old phoney.
    Feather
    Feather

    Location : Scotland

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Feather Fri 13 Jan 2017, 22:31

    In the garden Mary just dug
    Hoping to find the old jug
    Thrown out by mistake
    At her uncle's wake
    But all she unearthed was a slug.
    Stardust
    Stardust

    Location : City of Light

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Stardust Sat 14 Jan 2017, 08:20

    One day Charlie got lost in the fog;
    he roamed off the path into a bog.
    He was starting to sink
    when a bark made him blink,
    he was saved by a walker with dog.
    Feather
    Feather

    Location : Scotland

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Feather Sat 14 Jan 2017, 09:45

    When he was giving his very last "Glug"
    The Alsatian gave him a tug
    Pulled him free of the mire
    And soon by the fire
    He gave the good dog a huge hug.
    Stardust
    Stardust

    Location : City of Light

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Stardust Sat 14 Jan 2017, 18:46

    A ruined old man from the glen,
    in the mountains fixed up a den,
    ran his own B&B,
    served up coffee and tea,
    now he holds his head high among men.
    Feather
    Feather

    Location : Scotland

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Feather Sat 14 Jan 2017, 22:09

    Dennis just could not be fatter
    He thought that it didn't matter
    But one night at a gig
    They were playing a jig
    When he burst through the drums with a clatter.
    Stardust
    Stardust

    Location : City of Light

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Stardust Sun 15 Jan 2017, 08:27

    Feather wrote:Dennis just could not be fatter
    He thought that it didn't matter
    But one night at a gig
    They were playing a jig
    When he burst through the drums with a clatter.

    The drummer was angry and red,
    I couldn't repeat what he said!
    Because Dennis stuck fast
    as his bum was so vast,
    had to "wear" the drum even in bed.
    Stardust
    Stardust

    Location : City of Light

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Stardust Sun 15 Jan 2017, 17:21

    Stardust wrote:
    Feather wrote:Dennis just could not be fatter
    He thought that it didn't matter
    But one night at a gig
    They were playing a jig
    When he burst through the drums with a clatter.

    The drummer was angry and red,
    I couldn't repeat what he said!
    Because Dennis stuck fast
    as his bum was so vast,
    had to "wear" the drum even in bed.

    The drum made him keep rolling out
    and Dennis was starting to pout,
    so firemen cut him free,
    Dennis shouted with glee
    and vowed he'd lose weight, without doubt.
    Feather
    Feather

    Location : Scotland

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Feather Sun 15 Jan 2017, 21:54

    He decided he'd go on a fast
    Thinking that it wouldn't last
    But after a week
    He started to reek
    For his innards were so full of gas!!
    Stardust
    Stardust

    Location : City of Light

    Limericks Empty Re: Limericks

    Post by Stardust Mon 16 Jan 2017, 11:25

    ...continued...

    The Doctor said: "Take charcoal pills,
    and exercise, walking the hills,
    you'll soon be in the pink
    and no longer will stink.
    Now pay me these two hefty bills'.

      Current date/time is Sat 27 Apr 2024, 19:02