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The Video of the Week now showing on Light After Life forum is: 'HUMAN'
I hope everyone is safe from the rages of Ophelia. Not forgetting the poor frightened animals too. xx
Hearing all the stories here. 3 people have died so far in Ireland with trees hitting cars. Can't for the life of me understand why anyone would venture out in a car in a hurricane!!!
A really strange golden hue in the atmosphere here in London. And a weird but slightly familiar smell in the air - reminds me of just before a sandstorm in Libya.

Limericks

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Stardust
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Limericks

Post by Stardust on Tue 03 Jan 2017, 13:02

Starting a new Limerick thread since all the previous ones on various forums seem to have disappeared into the internet archives.

These are not perfect but we do our best, so I'll start the ball rolling.

- - - - - - - - -


There was a young lady from Brent

who all of her savings had spent

on outings and booze

and games bound to loose

now the silly girl can’t pay her rent.

 
- - - - - - - - -

Miss Gwendoline sat in her bower

Until it was half past the hour

She smoked thin Russian cigs

Which caught fire like twigs

She was saved by a lucky rain shower.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Feather on Tue 03 Jan 2017, 14:47

Frankie was after some fun
Down the slippery path he did run
But his feet let him down
And he felt like a clown
When he touched down on ice with his bum.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Stardust on Tue 03 Jan 2017, 15:28

An old gentleman, name of Joe
with painful gout in his big toe
was prouncing around
and fell on the ground
lost his toe, but the gout's gone you know.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Feather on Tue 03 Jan 2017, 16:00

She was carrying a tray from the room
With no feeling of impending doom
But with the dog in the way
She started to sway
And was flat on the floor pretty soon.

This was how I cracked my ankle bone last year.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Stardust on Tue 03 Jan 2017, 16:10

Oh, Feather, that must have been painful for you and Chica. Ouch!

A builder who ran out of bricks
constructed a house with just sticks
then glued them together
to withstand the weather
but it's just fit for hens and their chicks.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Feather on Tue 03 Jan 2017, 22:01

Dot loved reading mystery tales
Full of thunder and lightning and gales
Till one that she read
Sent her right off her head
Now she's constantly way off the rails.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Stardust on Wed 04 Jan 2017, 06:54

A singer who drank too much wine
and got lyrics wrong all the time,
was whistled and booed,
hissed, jostled and shooed,
cos he never remembered a line.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Feather on Wed 04 Jan 2017, 09:41

An astronaut known as Fred
Wanted to gain space cred
So he took a short trip
Outside the spaceship
Now he's hanging to life by a thread.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Stardust on Wed 04 Jan 2017, 09:47

cheesy 

A silly young man from New York
unhappily sat on a fork,
he jumped up with a start,
his bum really did smart,
that silly young man from New York.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Feather on Wed 04 Jan 2017, 09:56

When motoring slowly through France
A beautiful lady called Blanche
Saw a handsome young man
In a bright yellow van
And thought--yes, I would take a chance.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Stardust on Wed 04 Jan 2017, 10:06

When Penny adopted a dog,
from her pond he swallowed a frog.
So instead of a bark,
all the neighbours would hark
a strange croaking like fiends in a bog.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Feather on Wed 04 Jan 2017, 12:48

When shopping one day in a store
Bob knew that he couldn't spend more
So he nicked a blue tie
And, holding it high,
He made a quick break for the door.
A security guard was nearby
And, giving chase, he did fly
After the thief
And to his relief,
Nabbed the culprit and the blue tie.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Stardust on Wed 04 Jan 2017, 13:20

A handsome young prince from the North
fell off the bridge into the Forth.
He gave out a loud yell,
then he swam, swam like hell,
but he's there still, afloat in the Forth.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Feather on Wed 04 Jan 2017, 14:12

A cruiser approached him in time
He was yanked up on board on a line
Fell asleep for some hours
Through sunshine and showers
Now he's in Amsterdam and feels fine.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Stardust on Wed 04 Jan 2017, 14:48

A beautiful princess from Rye
could never stop eating plum pie.

She ate morning, noon, night,

swallowed bite after bite,
till she weighed twenty tons bye and bye.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Feather on Wed 04 Jan 2017, 16:49

The contortionist puts on a show
Better than even he knows
For during his act
He falls on his back
With his private parts wrapped round his nose.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Stardust on Wed 04 Jan 2017, 18:45

Oh dear, how embarassing for him. Embarassed facepalm 

A carrier pigeon from Rome
got lost and could not get back home,
so he settled instead
where he found a spare bed,
in a coop by the Rhine in Cologne.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Feather on Thu 05 Jan 2017, 10:17

Tom's situation was grim
He felt totally out on a limb
He was so bereft
His sweetheart had left
So he purchased a puppy called Tim.
Now Tim was a wonderful gift
Giving Tom an emotional lift
They were always together
Whatever the weather
And soon Tom was no longer miffed.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Stardust on Thu 05 Jan 2017, 10:53

There was a bored lad name of Buster,
too lazy and never could muster
the energy needed to move
and not to get stuck in a groove,
till the flies were beginning to cluster.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Feather on Thu 05 Jan 2017, 13:57

They flew and they buzzed round his head
When he ran or just lay in his bed
Till one day 'twas found
As he lay on the ground
That he wasn't asleep; he was dead!!


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Re: Limericks

Post by Stardust on Thu 05 Jan 2017, 18:40

surprised

A witch living inside a wood
was shunned and was not understood,
till she saved a lose child
from the savage and wild.
So now everyone knows that she's good.



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Re: Limericks

Post by Feather on Thu 05 Jan 2017, 21:52

The Headmaster was in a tizz
Then thought of an end of term quiz
With girls versus boys
And prizes of toys
And for him a glass of bucksfizz.(Sp?)


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Re: Limericks

Post by Stardust on Fri 06 Jan 2017, 05:45

A stray dog who stopped at my door,
came in and lay down on the floor.
I had not the heart
to say we must part,
so he's here to stay forevermore.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Feather on Fri 06 Jan 2017, 09:21

I feed a nice cat--she's a stray
I have done for many a day
But I still can't pet her
To make her feel better
If I try, she just runs away.
Over time she's got a bit tamer
I've often thought I could name her
But what'd be the use
With this wary puss
She wouldn't respond--can't blame her.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Stardust on Fri 06 Jan 2017, 10:39

With a stray dog or cat, we can't tell,
but can guess they were not treated well.
If they're patiently wooed
with soft words, daily food,
they'll adopt you and forget their hell.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Feather on Fri 06 Jan 2017, 14:20

The cottage was ever so nice
So she bought it at a good price
But lived to regret it
Would never forget it
As it was infested with mice.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Stardust on Fri 06 Jan 2017, 15:04

A baby boy teething all night,
gave his parents a terrible fright.
For when two teeth peeked out,
Mum and Dad gave a shout,
little Dracula was quite a sight.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Feather on Fri 06 Jan 2017, 16:39

My dog--she has just been fed
Please notice what I have just said
I'm having my tea
But she's staring at me
And refusing to go to her bed.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Stardust on Fri 06 Jan 2017, 18:19

giggle

An elegant lady from France,
no man could pass without a glance.
Her heels and head high,
proud as she swept by,
till she tripped up and ruined the dance.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Feather on Fri 06 Jan 2017, 21:45

She tottered away in the huff
All feathers and flounces and fluff
She undressed at speed
Down to the last bead
And cried for an hour in the buff.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Stardust on Fri 06 Jan 2017, 22:01

...
But Parisian bred from her birth,
stopped her tears, because she knew her worth.
Returned to the ball
and amazed them all,
thus making them swallow their mirth.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Feather on Sun 08 Jan 2017, 15:30

Margaret, a lady from Leeds,
Was known for her daring deeds
A pumpkin she ate
And caused her own fate
By choking to death on the seeds.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Stardust on Sun 08 Jan 2017, 15:56

Feather wrote:Margaret, a lady from Leeds,
Was known for her daring deeds
A pumpkin she ate
And caused her own fate
By choking to death on the seeds.

But Heimlich was there, Maggie spat
out pumpkin seeds onto the mat,
so she regained her life,
and became Heimlich's wife.
Now she puts all the seeds in a hat.



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Re: Limericks

Post by Feather on Mon 09 Jan 2017, 16:21

On an oil rig late last night
Ted was stationed in bright moonlight
But a nut had worked free
Half way down to the sea
And Ted had to screw it in tight
He was lowered right down to the spot
Now,safe he surely was not
For the rope was too thin
So he couldn't begin
To do the work that he ought.
He jiggled and twisted and swayed
Till the rope it loosened and frayed
Poor Ted hit the sea
Shouting "God,save me!"
But nobody noticed he'd prayed.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Stardust on Mon 09 Jan 2017, 21:06

Feather wrote:On an oil rig late last night
Ted was stationed in bright moonlight
But a nut had worked free
Half way down to the sea
And Ted had to screw it in tight
He was lowered right down to the spot
Now,safe he surely was not
For the rope was too thin
So he couldn't begin
To do the work that he ought.
He jiggled and twisted and swayed
Till the rope it loosened and frayed
Poor Ted hit the sea
Shouting "God,save me!"
But nobody noticed he'd prayed.

Though Ted's shouting fell on deaf ears,
with drowning the worst of his fears,
came into his sight
dolphins in the night
who saved him. He lived on for years.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Feather on Mon 09 Jan 2017, 21:35

I knew you would save him, Stardust.

Mike was messing around with some ink
Some of it blue, and some pink
He wanted to do
A temporary tattoo
For when he went out for a drink.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Stardust on Tue 10 Jan 2017, 09:22

Feather wrote:I knew you would save him, Stardust.

Mike was messing around with some ink
Some of it blue, and some pink
He wanted to do
A temporary tattoo
For when he went out for a drink.

But Mike was allergic and so
he came out in spots, don't you know.
Some pink and some blue,
his face swelled up too.
Had to give up the pub, to his woe.



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Re: Limericks

Post by Feather on Thu 12 Jan 2017, 23:01

The woman just wouldn't give in
She kept on drinking that gin
Till the bottle was done
But the battle she won
For she found a drop more in a tin
She thought she had had that already
When last night she'd had a quick bevvy
But to her delight
There was some for tonight
Now for her warm bed she was ready.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Stardust on Fri 13 Jan 2017, 08:41

A sprightly girl hailing from Wales
was battling her way through the sales.
She ne'er took a rest,

shoes, clothes, found the best,
but none the right size - how she wails!


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Re: Limericks

Post by Feather on Fri 13 Jan 2017, 16:50

Dan was feeling poorly and sick
Got a visit from his old pal, Mick
Who gave him some pills
Which got rid of his chills
So now he's in super fine nick.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Stardust on Fri 13 Jan 2017, 18:04

An arrogant man, name of Tony,
could speak nothing but pure baloney.
Along came a copper
armed with a gob stopper
and shut up the big-mouthed old phoney.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Feather on Fri 13 Jan 2017, 22:31

In the garden Mary just dug
Hoping to find the old jug
Thrown out by mistake
At her uncle's wake
But all she unearthed was a slug.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Stardust on Sat 14 Jan 2017, 08:20

One day Charlie got lost in the fog;
he roamed off the path into a bog.
He was starting to sink
when a bark made him blink,
he was saved by a walker with dog.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Feather on Sat 14 Jan 2017, 09:45

When he was giving his very last "Glug"
The Alsatian gave him a tug
Pulled him free of the mire
And soon by the fire
He gave the good dog a huge hug.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Stardust on Sat 14 Jan 2017, 18:46

A ruined old man from the glen,
in the mountains fixed up a den,
ran his own B&B,
served up coffee and tea,
now he holds his head high among men.


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Re: Limericks

Post by Feather on Sat 14 Jan 2017, 22:09

Dennis just could not be fatter
He thought that it didn't matter
But one night at a gig
They were playing a jig
When he burst through the drums with a clatter.


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I'D RATHER PURR THAN HISS!  
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Stardust
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Re: Limericks

Post by Stardust on Sun 15 Jan 2017, 08:27

Feather wrote:Dennis just could not be fatter
He thought that it didn't matter
But one night at a gig
They were playing a jig
When he burst through the drums with a clatter.

The drummer was angry and red,
I couldn't repeat what he said!
Because Dennis stuck fast
as his bum was so vast,
had to "wear" the drum even in bed.


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Be grateful for even the smallest thing, blessings come in many disguises.
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Stardust
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Re: Limericks

Post by Stardust on Sun 15 Jan 2017, 17:21

Stardust wrote:
Feather wrote:Dennis just could not be fatter
He thought that it didn't matter
But one night at a gig
They were playing a jig
When he burst through the drums with a clatter.

The drummer was angry and red,
I couldn't repeat what he said!
Because Dennis stuck fast
as his bum was so vast,
had to "wear" the drum even in bed.

The drum made him keep rolling out
and Dennis was starting to pout,
so firemen cut him free,
Dennis shouted with glee
and vowed he'd lose weight, without doubt.


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Be grateful for even the smallest thing, blessings come in many disguises.
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Feather
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Re: Limericks

Post by Feather on Sun 15 Jan 2017, 21:54

He decided he'd go on a fast
Thinking that it wouldn't last
But after a week
He started to reek
For his innards were so full of gas!!


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I'D RATHER PURR THAN HISS!  
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Stardust
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Re: Limericks

Post by Stardust on Mon 16 Jan 2017, 11:25

...continued...

The Doctor said: "Take charcoal pills,
and exercise, walking the hills,
you'll soon be in the pink
and no longer will stink.
Now pay me these two hefty bills'.


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Be grateful for even the smallest thing, blessings come in many disguises.

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