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Funny Ha-Ha Snippets

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Kitkat
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Funny Ha-Ha Snippets

Post by Kitkat on Sat 21 Jun 2014 - 13:40




I just took a leaflet out of my letterbox, informing me that I can have sex at 73 I'm so happy, because I live at number 71. So it's not too far to walk home afterwards. And it's the same side of the street. I don't even have to cross the road!
~~~~~

Answering machine message,
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
~~~~~

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
~~~~~

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
~~~~~

Aspire to inspire before you expire.
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Feather

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Re: Funny Ha-Ha Snippets

Post by Feather on Sun 22 Jun 2014 - 16:58

Just to say Terry's a mine of information. lololol 



I'D RATHER PURR THAN HISS!  
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Kitkat
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Re: Funny Ha-Ha Snippets

Post by Kitkat on Sun 22 Jun 2014 - 22:16

Feather wrote:Just to say Terry's a mine of information. lololol 

 Wink   Yes, Feather ... I know you get the same emails that I get from him, as your name is included on the regular little group mailing list.  I don't know where he gets them from!  pirat Some of them actually have me in stitches.  It's unique 'Terry Humour'. lololol   I just wish he would come and share them (some of them at least) out on the forums ...   Laughing


By the way ... it's his birthday today. 78 years young!
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Feather

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Re: Funny Ha-Ha Snippets

Post by Feather on Mon 23 Jun 2014 - 7:49

That's the same day as my sister-in-law, Hazel. She was 69 yesterday.
I think Terry's emails are terrific. I regularly pass them on to six friends
and relations. One goes as far as to New Zealand. toast 



I'D RATHER PURR THAN HISS!  
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Kitkat
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Re: Funny Ha-Ha Snippets

Post by Kitkat on Mon 23 Jun 2014 - 13:59

A recent example of 'Terry Humour' :    lololol 


   If you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal
with seniors this should help you understand them a little better, and
if you are not a senior yet........God willing, someday you will
be......


     The  £2.99 Special

     We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors'
special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for £2.99.

     'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'

     'Then, I'll have to charge you three pounds and forty-nine pence
because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

     'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife
asked incredulously.

     'YES!!' stated the waitress.

     'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..

     'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

     'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs
home and baked a cake.

     DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
     WE'VE been  around the block more than once!

I hope to go visit Tel soon now that he's settled in his new home by the sea and nearer to his family - plan is my friend Viv and I to drive down there one day soon while the weather's still good.
Looking forward to seeing Terry again.  Viv and I went to visit him a few years back when we went to the Open Day at the Arthur Findlay College (he used to live just a stone's throw away from there).
- Might even get him to [try] hypnotise me to stop the smoking! obgob shtum
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Feather

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Re: Funny Ha-Ha Snippets

Post by Feather on Mon 23 Jun 2014 - 15:16

I wish I could be there with you but there's no chance of that. Pleast tell Terry I was asking for him. He is a great chap. Very Happy 



I'D RATHER PURR THAN HISS!  
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Kitkat
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40 years of marriage..

Post by Kitkat on Thu 26 Jun 2014 - 13:02

A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant..
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table..
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...
The husband became 92 years old.



 lololol
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Re: Funny Ha-Ha Snippets

Post by Whiskers on Sat 28 Jun 2014 - 13:03

Happy belated birthday Terry.   Birthday 



I hope you are very happy in your new home.
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Kitkat
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Where'd they go?!

Post by Kitkat on Thu 11 Sep 2014 - 19:00

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Re: Funny Ha-Ha Snippets

Post by Kitkat on Thu 11 Sep 2014 - 19:01

.
OK, I caught it ........

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Kitkat
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Re: Funny Ha-Ha Snippets

Post by Kitkat on Thu 23 Oct 2014 - 0:50


cat
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Catholic Hairdryer

Post by Kitkat on Tue 18 Nov 2014 - 22:20

In parochial school, students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me?  Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'
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Re: Funny Ha-Ha Snippets

Post by Whiskers on Wed 19 Nov 2014 - 14:25

lol!
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Kitkat
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Re: Funny Ha-Ha Snippets

Post by Kitkat on Fri 6 Mar 2015 - 22:44

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?


WOMAN SHOT IN CITY.  BULLET IS IN HER YET.
.....what is her "yet"?


Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one was caught in the SGV Tribune.  The Editorial Room was called and asked who wrote this.  It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!  They put in a correction the next day.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
REALLY??
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers  
Now that's taking things a bit far!
 -----------------------------------------------------------

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over  
What a guy!  
---------------------------------------------------------------  

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------  

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant  
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
 ----------------------------------------------------------

War Dims Hope for Peace  
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------  

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures  
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; PoliceSuspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges  
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
 ----------------------------------------------------------

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge  
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------  

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group  
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft  
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks  
Do they taste like chicken?
--------------------------------------------------

Local  High School Dropouts Cut in Half  
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
---------------------------------------------------------

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors  
Boy, are they tall!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------



And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead  
 
Did I read that right?

----------------------------------------------------------------
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Kitkat
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Re: Funny Ha-Ha Snippets

Post by Kitkat on Wed 11 Mar 2015 - 16:10

Courtesy of Feather  





They're back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters.
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:




The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

-----------------

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

-----------------

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water' The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus'

-----------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

-----------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

-----------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

-----------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

-----------------

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

-----------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

-----------------

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

-----------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

-----------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

-----------------

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

-----------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

-----------------

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

-----------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
-----------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

-----------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

-----------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

-----------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

-----------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

-----------------

And this one just about sums them all up ...

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!
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Kitkat
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Re: Funny Ha-Ha Snippets

Post by Kitkat on Mon 27 Apr 2015 - 19:33

A minister was completing a temperance sermon.

With great emphasis he said,

'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'


With even greater emphasis he said,

'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'


And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said,

'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'


Sermon complete, he sat down..

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing,


'For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

Wink
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Kitkat
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Re: Funny Ha-Ha Snippets

Post by Kitkat on Sun 14 Jun 2015 - 11:26

I LOVE this one ....   giggle


Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.


Therefore every day, I go down on the street and tell the passer by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before, and what I will do after, I give them pictures of my wife, my daughter, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.


I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them.
 

And it works :

I already have 3 persons following me; 2 police officers  and a psychiatrist!



cheesy
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Re: Funny Ha-Ha Snippets

Post by Stardust on Mon 6 Jul 2015 - 17:59

Oh my goodness, just as well I got to the end, I've been laughing so much the neighbours probably think I've gone nuts. My sides ache and tears are streaming down my cheeks. Thank you everyone who provided this thread with so much laughter material, it's done me a world of good.
lololol



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